My neighbor, bless her heart, just disappeared down the street with three of my children. They are going to the park and I am planning to follow when the Evster wakes up. I hope she sleeps for a good bit longer so that I can sit my butt on this here couch for a minute and decompress. Today has been one of those flustered days where I can’t quite seem to catch my breath. And I have been doing crazy things like thinking I’ve locked the little kids in the car when my keys are right there in my pocket.
Even on my flustered days, I am feeling more joyful overall now. I am sure the house change and the absolutely gorgeous spring weather has contibuted to raised spirits but there is more to it than that. For this moment, however brief it might be, I am at peace with where I am in my vocation to marriage and motherhood. I wonder if the general demands of life are finally to the point where I am no longer trying so hard to be the person I was before I had kids. Sure someday I would love to brush up on old talents, finish a scrapbook, go to daily Mass, and unpack the china, but I don’t mourn not being able to do those things. There’s no angst waiting beneath the surface over unfulfilled wishes. It is freeing. I didn’t consciously try to surrender my expectations and I don’t take any credit. It just sort of happened.
I still lose my temper and repeat the same laundry list of sins. Earlier today I was copying a prayer for peace onto a sheet of paper and instantly snapped at Jack when he took a blue marker and drew on it. (Oh the irony!) Now and again I have a meltdown. But overall, there is joy.
This life with four kids. It is good.